Do not apologize for changing

It is a hard lesson to learn that you (or someone you care about) may change so much that it is harder to connect with them.

If you find yourself feeling out of sorts after spending time with people from your past, it is a common experience. You’re growing (or they are) and your energies just don’t mesh the same way.

Instead of getting bent out of shape about it, try to consider what changed between the last visit or interaction.

-Are you experiencing changes in your life?

-Are they experiencing changes in their lives?

-Are you taking advantage of their willingness to listen, but not reciprocating?

-Are you feeling used?

-Are you noticing their struggle but choosing to ignore it?

-Are you diminishing what is going well, or not acknowledging the good things in your life, because of what they might say?

-Are they doing the same thing?

Adult friendships/relationships can take a lot of effort, even more when people change—- and they are SUPPOSED to change, grow, and seek to better understand what makes them happy.

So instead of being an observer who manages whatever identity the other person may need based on history, try to cultivate an honest connection that validates and welcomes change for the better.

If the changes make them (or you) so uncomfortable that it’s hard to connect, that is okay. You don’t need to apologize for changing, and they shouldn’t either. We won’t all stay the same, because we are meant to grow and evolve.

You can still love and appreciate those who have different paths to take, as they were an instrumental part of your story—- and that matters.

Show up.

I hear so many excuses from people.

“I don’t know what to say”,

“I don’t want to make it worse”

“what if they cry?”

“You don’t understand how awkward I am. I can’t imagine how I would be helping them.”

Listen up, people.

The people who love you will see any effort to connect with them as a blessing.

You don’t need to bring anything other than yourself (and maybe a hot beverage- people love hot beverages) to check in on someone.

You don’t need to have a cure, a set of answers, a slew of strategies, a list of resources, or even that many words to show up and connect.

You are pre-approved.

You do not have to overthink this.

Show up.

People remember and value those who show up.

I see you. I remember you.

Women do this identity shape-shifting thing when they become a mother.

They morph into a creature that provides all of the basic survival needs to keep a human alive.

Really think about that.

A HUMAN being from birth, through all of the major developmental stages, and if you are lucky, to adulthood.

But within all of the amazing capabilities, mothers don’t just forget who they are, they self-impose limits that are often only able to be challenged by their dearest friends.

How does it work?

We remember you. We remember that you like your coffee with a sprinkle of cinnamon. We remember that you prefer baths to showers. We remember that you know what to say to a rude hostess to get the free appetizers. We remember how damn smart you are and watched in awe as you slip from friend to sister to mother to exhausted, confused and questioning every decision you’ve ever made.

Remind the women in your life of the times you’ve shared, the little moments that can bring them back to who they were. Ask them what they see for themselves (as a person who has interests outside of their children).

Check on them.

Remind them that they are special.

They need to hear it.

They are still in there.

Be patient, and set the intention to connect with them to help them revisit that past-self often.

Odds are they miss that part of themselves too.

Because you can miss things deeply even when you feel so damn grateful for what you have now.

Let them go…

One major life shift into adulthood is the desire to be with people who “see” you. People that see you as a whole person, the emotional, spiritual and connected collective-self.

The fulfillment often comes with releasing the relationships and friendships that do not serve you (or them) at the level of awareness and presence that you are operating on.

As you learn more about yourself and what you need, you will naturally shift away from those who do not experience the connection and clarity. This can be painful at first, as it seems that past practice requires people to stay overly committed to maintaining relationships even when they are no longer serving their purpose.

It is TOTALLY okay to let go of old friendships and relationships in the name of becoming who you are meant to become.

It order to pay respect to those relationships from the past, you should express gratitude for the lessons you were able to learn as a result of your time with those people.

Speak out the gratitude.

Feel the impact by noticing how the lessons play out in your present day, and reflect on those experiences with grace while wishing happiness and peace to those key players from your past.

Take all of that and share it with those who are a part of your life now.

Healing

Pain. Trauma. Rough experiences in life; it sticks with you.

Today is my youngest son’s birthday. He’s 5. He is lively, mischievous and affectionate. He will spend the day enjoying the gifts that his beloved family members have sent, and eating too many cupcakes. He’s living his best life.

Now the pain-bit.

I do not like birthdays.

I actually refused to celebrate my own until I had children. Seems like a weird thing, but I spent my growing up years with an absent dad who was so disconnected that he would only remember my birthday if my sister called him the morning of. It was the same for her, so no hard feelings.

But, it changed my perception of celebrating anything. It made me rigid and dismissive of the magic of birthdays. It was too painful to think about how easily forgotten I could be. So birthdays were just another day.

Then I became a mother.

The stories they tell you are true. The birthdays of my children are deeply special to me, and I find myself feeling overwhelmed with emotion, gratitude and spend the day recounting stories from their infant/toddler years. I love it.

So these sweet boys have helped heal this very fragile part of me, and I am so grateful for that.

Next time you feel triggered by something, consider the meaning behind the pain, and how you can adapt to the situation, and look at it all from a different lens.